I've been fine for the most part. I haven't been crying as much, I'm able to go out with friends. I've been feeling the best I could be considering the circumstances. I can't really explain why I woke up this morning and just didn't want to get out of bed.
I decided the other day that I need to go back to work. I miss my co-workers. I've been at the mall almost everyday, and I figured I should be getting paid for it. My boss told me that I needed to go to my doctor to get a work excuse. I figured I could call them and they would just give me the papers I needed. Nope.
I called today and told the woman on the phone who I was and what had happened to Caleb. I told her I wanted to return to work as soon as possible. She said, "You want to return after 3 weeks? Don't you want to spend time with the baby?" I almost lost it. Of course I want to spend time with my baby. It would have been nice if you listened to the beginning of the conversation when I told you that my son died.
Ever since that conversation, I've been kinda miserable. I've been fighting back the tears, fighting the urge to punch a wall. I thought I was going to be ok, but it's just one thing that set me back at the beginning of this. I need my counseling, I was just waiting until after the holidays to do it. I will be fine while I wait. I just need to take it one day at a time.
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So sorry you are going through this. You and your sweet boy have been on my mind. I check in on you frequently to see how you are doing. I pray for a happier 2009 for you!
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