Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's been almost a week...

So as the title mentions, it's been almost a full week since Caleb went to be with Jesus. My heart aches everyday for my baby. He was so wanted, not only by me, but the people around me.

Like my friend Courtney said that the memorial, "I loved him so much." I knew she meant it, everyone meant what they said. So many people loved this little guy since before his diagnosis, and continue to give a huge piece of their hearts to him after his passing.

Christmas is a week away. The closer it comes, the harder it is becoming. We have ornaments on the tree for him, but it's not the same as having him there. I had so many visions of sitting him by the tree, riding the train at the mall, sitting on Santa's lap. All of that will never happen. That's the part that will always take my heart and stomp it.

Luckily for me, there is a mother on the Trisomy 18 support site who's going through this journey at almost the same time. I guess I shouldn't say I'm lucky because no one should ever have this pain, but Lacey has been amazing to me. She lost her love on my due date. She emailed me through the support site, and we've been keeping in touch ever since. She gives me suggestions and I try to do the same for her. If she's reading this, she already knows how much I appreciate having her in my life. I don't know what I would do without her right now. I can't imagine doing this without having a release like her. My family has been so supportive, but there's honestly nothing like having another Mom going through this with me. I can't explain it.

I know Caleb is buried now. I haven't been able to go up there and actually see his name on a marker yet. I hope he understands. My mom suggested going tomorrow at 1:51PM, it will be exactly one week since. He's buried near my younger brother Alex, who passed away 22 years ago. Yes, pain can touch a family more than once.

I worry about my mother. She not only lost a baby herself, but she had to watch her baby lose a baby. I can't imagine how much she hurts; I know she does. She didn't just watch me lose a baby, she had to say goodbye to her grandbaby. My heart hurts for Caleb, but I know he's safe and happy now. Now, I worry about the people he left behind.

My sister baked cookies yesterday, no doubt an attempt to think about anything else. Mom helped her, again, probably for the same reason. Baking is usually my way of thinking of something else for 1 minute. I just can't bring myself to do it because it reminds me of something that Caleb will never be able to do with Mommy.

When my cousin Lori was here with her little guy Matteo, Mom and Kourie had him make a gingerbread house. I wanted to be apart of it so badly, but I just couldn't bring myself to sit there with him. I knew I would cry and hurt in front of him. I had been trying to avoid that the entire weekend.

Speaking of Matteo, that little guy is so intuitive. While I tried to cry out of his sight, he knew something was going on. Lori had him in the tub, explaining the importance of being quiet in the funeral home the day before the memorial. She was explaining how Caleb went to be in the arms of Jesus. He looked at her and asked, "Is that why her back hurts and she's sad?" It's amazing how a 3-year-old can know so much, or at least pick up on these things.

Another amazing thing about Matteo. We went to the cemetery on the day of the memorial to release the balloons for him. We were looking for his gravesite so that we could release them from over him. We couldn't find it, but Matteo (who can't read yet) was looking at all the headstones saying, "Don't worry, I'm gonna find Caleb for you." He worked so hard to find him. He will never understand how much that meant to me. He's an amazing little guy.

This whole situation has been so heartbreaking and hard on me. Everyone thinks I've been so strong, but I really don't feel like I've been someone to look up to. There are thousands of Moms that have gone through this before me, and there are too many Moms that are going to go through this after me. I wish this whole Trisomy 18 thing could end with me. I know it won't and I know it can't.

My hopes for this blog were to educate people about Trisomy 18 and use this as my therapy. I hoped that there maybe another Mom that just got a diagnosis like this, and that this could help her during this. During this time in my life, I've found that the internet has helped so much. There has been Trisomy Moms on Myspace and Facebook that have reached out to me, there is of course Lacey on my Trisomy support site. I find you all amazing. None of you needed to contact me, but you felt the need to reach out to me, and for that I'm grateful. I love you all, and I've never met you. I hope all that I've done through emailing has been helpful for you as well.

Well, this has been my emotions of the week. Thank you for listening.

Lindsey and Caleb

1 comment:

Lacey J said...

You are wrong! You are strong even when you feel weak, everyone around us knows it. Look for example at the fact that you wake up another day to face it and you get up, take a shower, change your clothes, etc. Not everyone can do that when dealt a trauma in their life and yet you do. Remember that!
Love Lacey