Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm having a bad baby day...

So I'm on Facebook and recently it's been wearing on me. I've been so strong and push through my days as best as I can. But now, I'm watching people have babies and seeing their joy of bringing their child home. I don't know why this is bothering me as much as it is, and this is making me angry!

I think part of it is my hatred at myself for not being stronger. I'm a bigger person and I should be happier for these people. I can't bring myself to realize that this will one day be me. I hate myself for thinking that I want another baby now because I've been fighting to get through that initial feeling when I first lost Caleb. My son would not be proud of my weakness at this point. He didn't want this for me.

I know it's a short blog, but I just needed to blow off some steam.

I'll just keep telling myself what the ignorant people have told me: "God has a plan and one day you'll have a healthy baby too..."

Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm back in school!

So I know it's been 3 months since I've blogged, but I've been busy and thinking about different things for once. I started going back to school this fall at IUP. It's been a good experience. I've been going to all my classes and busting my butt to make my baby proud!

Since all of this has been going on, a lot more has happened in my life. I started dating again and I met the most amazing person! Joe has been so understanding about my situation and he listens to me when I have a bad baby moment, and offers his comfort. He was a surprise in my life, I wasn't expecting to find this person and I can't even believe sometimes that he is real. I don't want to gush too much, so I'll move on (especially since some of you might get sick of hearing about it!)

I haven't been mentioning Caleb to people at IUP too much, especially since I don't want people to look at me and think, "that poor woman, how can she deal with this?" But recently, Caleb has been finding ways into my classes and making sure that people hear his story.

In my Wednesday night class, we were discussing mental retardation and what characteristics come with it. Well of course, Trisomy 18 came up. At that moment, I began shaking, sweating and feeling my chest tighten up. I wasn't expecting it and I was afraid of what I would say. When the young woman finished her presentation, I found my hand in the air and I began talking about Caleb. I think I talked about my experience for 20 minutes and began that whole "this should be required to be taught in classes" speech. I got to show a picture of him in class and everyone was really touched by my story. In the days since, I've gotten emails from people in the class telling me how much it meant to them for me to offer my experience to them.

A friend from high school emailed me on Facebook and told me that my blog had inspired her to so research for a psychology class. I was surprised by this as well. I didn't realize that Caleb had such an impact on the people that have never met him. It's things like this that make me swell with pride and gush about my little pumpkin. The thing is, I'm just a small person who started a blog so that someone would might read it and realize that they were not alone in their fight. That even a young person could lose something. That pregnancy doesn't always go as planned. I didn't realize that it would be as big as it's become. I don't have a lot of followers, but there are people out there, whether I know them or not that have emailed me on Facebook or to my personal email telling me how much this blog has meant to them. I don't expect the praise, but it definitely makes me feel that I kept my promise to Caleb. I swore to him that I would not allow his death to be in vain. People know about him and love him. I couldn't ask for more.

I will try to keep up with this a little better, but I'm super busy. School, work and my Tuesdays spent in practicum are a little rougher than I expected. I love you all for being patient and still following this blog. I appreciate the continued support!

Lindsey and Caleb