I'm having a bad baby day...

So I'm on Facebook and recently it's been wearing on me. I've been so strong and push through my days as best as I can. But now, I'm watching people have babies and seeing their joy of bringing their child home. I don't know why this is bothering me as much as it is, and this is making me angry!

I think part of it is my hatred at myself for not being stronger. I'm a bigger person and I should be happier for these people. I can't bring myself to realize that this will one day be me. I hate myself for thinking that I want another baby now because I've been fighting to get through that initial feeling when I first lost Caleb. My son would not be proud of my weakness at this point. He didn't want this for me.

I know it's a short blog, but I just needed to blow off some steam.

I'll just keep telling myself what the ignorant people have told me: "God has a plan and one day you'll have a healthy baby too..."

I'm back in school!

So I know it's been 3 months since I've blogged, but I've been busy and thinking about different things for once. I started going back to school this fall at IUP. It's been a good experience. I've been going to all my classes and busting my butt to make my baby proud!

Since all of this has been going on, a lot more has happened in my life. I started dating again and I met the most amazing person! Joe has been so understanding about my situation and he listens to me when I have a bad baby moment, and offers his comfort. He was a surprise in my life, I wasn't expecting to find this person and I can't even believe sometimes that he is real. I don't want to gush too much, so I'll move on (especially since some of you might get sick of hearing about it!)

I haven't been mentioning Caleb to people at IUP too much, especially since I don't want people to look at me and think, "that poor woman, how can she deal with this?" But recently, Caleb has been finding ways into my classes and making sure that people hear his story.

In my Wednesday night class, we were discussing mental retardation and what characteristics come with it. Well of course, Trisomy 18 came up. At that moment, I began shaking, sweating and feeling my chest tighten up. I wasn't expecting it and I was afraid of what I would say. When the young woman finished her presentation, I found my hand in the air and I began talking about Caleb. I think I talked about my experience for 20 minutes and began that whole "this should be required to be taught in classes" speech. I got to show a picture of him in class and everyone was really touched by my story. In the days since, I've gotten emails from people in the class telling me how much it meant to them for me to offer my experience to them.

A friend from high school emailed me on Facebook and told me that my blog had inspired her to so research for a psychology class. I was surprised by this as well. I didn't realize that Caleb had such an impact on the people that have never met him. It's things like this that make me swell with pride and gush about my little pumpkin. The thing is, I'm just a small person who started a blog so that someone would might read it and realize that they were not alone in their fight. That even a young person could lose something. That pregnancy doesn't always go as planned. I didn't realize that it would be as big as it's become. I don't have a lot of followers, but there are people out there, whether I know them or not that have emailed me on Facebook or to my personal email telling me how much this blog has meant to them. I don't expect the praise, but it definitely makes me feel that I kept my promise to Caleb. I swore to him that I would not allow his death to be in vain. People know about him and love him. I couldn't ask for more.

I will try to keep up with this a little better, but I'm super busy. School, work and my Tuesdays spent in practicum are a little rougher than I expected. I love you all for being patient and still following this blog. I appreciate the continued support!

Lindsey and Caleb

Father's Day.

So this is what Father's Day is like without Caleb. Not as rough as Mother's Day, but considering I would have been both...it still hurts. I'm doing better as far as physically and mentally hurting, the emotional problems are still there. I've noticed there are still moments where I feel empty inside and feel like my life is missing something huge. It's a weird feeling.

With Caleb being stillborn, sometimes it feels like what I did was all a dream or not real. That's a weirder feeling. It was like I gave birth to a baby doll. It's a hard concept to explain, but that's how I feel. I just wish I had seen him breathe once, blink an eye...something to give me that idea that he was real. I felt him kick and punch me, but it's definitely not the same as seeing him alive.

Today I wonder about Caleb's father. I don't care what he's doing or who he's with, but I wonder if he's celebrating Father's Day for the child he never knew. I wonder if he thinks he's entitled to knowing Caleb or deserving of at least a card. For those who don't know, Caleb's father left me when I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. To this day, he still has no idea what happened. What's worse, he doesn't know that he had a son. Part of me is angry, the other part makes me feel sorry for the asshole (first swear word in the blog!!!). Let me rephrase, I don't feel bad for the fact that I never told him what happened; he doesn't deserve to know. However, I feel sorry for the fact that he's too lazy or too scared to even contact me. He probably believes I'd be coming after him for child support.

I wonder if there will be a day in the future when we pass each other in public and he'll finally ask me about our child. Would I have the strength to tell him to leave us alone? Would I tell him what happened to Caleb so that I can finally cut all ties with him? Would I just keep him in dark? There are a million scenarios that run through my head constantly. I know for a fact that he's trying to crack the mystery of the child he left behind. People have told me about their encounters with him in the months since. And I thank all of those people who have had the strength to tell him they know nothing, or have just simply ignored his requests. I know that my best friend has had moments where she wanted to tell him what happened so that he'd leave her alone. I don't blame her. There's no need for her to deal with the constant harassment.

I still don't know to this day what I would do in the event I see Caleb's father again. I believe that my Caleb (and only MY Caleb) would give me the answers if that were to ever happen. He's keeping an eye on me and he knows my struggles. He'll be there with me if and when that contact happens. Until then, I celebrate Father's Day knowing that my son loves me as his Mommy and Daddy.

To the fathers that have been there for their child, and this includes my magnificent father; have a great day! Thank you for kissing our boo-boos and making sure we had a shoulder to cry on when we needed it. Thank you for hugging us on a daily basis, and doing the silly things (intentional or otherwise) to keep us laughing over the years.

To my own father: Thank you for being the strength I needed before and after Caleb's diagnosis. You were the only man in my life at the time, and you were the best I could ask for. I don't know what I would have done without you during my times of tears. Even when I came close to a breakdown, you stood there with me. And I want to thank you for the memories of watching you hold my son. That is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Pictures aren't enough to describe the way you spoke to him or the way your face lit up the first time you saw him. I love you Daddy with all my heart!

Online Class Drama!

So I'm taking a Developmental Psychology class online this summer. Of course, it's nothing what I expected and it's harder to teach yourself. Anyway, my first paper that was to be done for this class was writing a letter to a future child. FIGURES!!! I read over the guidelines a million times and thought to myself, "I'm doing better, but I'm nowhere near being able to write to a future child." I emailed my professor and told her about my situation with my little darling. She was completely supportive and understanding. She allowed me to alter the assignment so that I could write a letter to Caleb and my mourning process. Just like the eulogy, it was one of the hardest things to write, and I found myself having terrible feelings toward the assignment. I was bitter for the better part of yesterday. But I had to show my strength; I wasn't willing to take a zero for it. I wrote the letter, and proved once again that I feel better when I get things off my chest. I decided to post it here for you to read. It's raw emotion at its finest.

A Letter to Caleb

My Dearest Caleb,

When I discovered I was pregnant with you, I had a million emotions go through me at one time. I was so happy to be a mother, I could burst. My heart fluttered at the thought of holding you in my arms and rocking you to sleep. I looked forward to all the first we were going to have together. I know your Daddy wasn’t there for us, but we would have made a great team. We were going to be great!

Your firsts started while you were still in my belly. The first time you kicked me, you were real. That simple gesture made me realize it was time to be a grown up. I knew it was time to give up my old ways of being selfish and immature. There were people who believed that I would never grow up and that you were not going to be in good hands. I knew better. Because of you, I got a real job and was going to get our own place. I had so many plans for us and with each passing moment, my excitement continued to grow.

I’d thought of sled riding, summer swimming, your first taste of ice cream. Your first skinned knee would have broken my heart, but I knew how to fix it and make it better with a kiss. Your grandma and Aunt Kourie were waiting to make cookies with you or teach you ways to drive me crazy. Grandpap took some time to warm up, but he was looking forward to March Madness with his new little Pitt fan. You had cousins waiting to meet you. Your Aunt Amy is a little older than Mommy, so your older cousins were really excited about the new baby. Mommy’s friend Courtney was counting down the seconds and was planning on finding reasons to come steal you for a day. Mommy’s best friend Staci was excited to have a playmate for her baby Alexis. As you can tell, before you were even a thought, everyone was in love with you. You were poised to be the luckiest baby in the world.

Mommy had never heard of Trisomy 18 before that fateful day at the hospital. I thought I was going down there to hear you weren’t grown as fast as expected. I was told it was probably something that could be fixed with some growth hormones. When the doctor told me the truth, I was devastated. Actually, there aren’t words that can possibly describe my feelings. I can only tell you it felt like I was hit by a Mack truck because I was playing in traffic. I was angry with the doctor, angry with God. How does one deal with the heartbreaking news of a child’s death? The doctor basically gave you an expiration date. I had never known what pain felt like until that day. All of my dreams were thrown away like yesterday’s trash. Instead of dreams, I had to come to terms with planning a funeral for you. I didn’t think it was fair considering what we’d been through already.

After the diagnosis, it came time to break the hearts of people who looked forward to you. Your grandma and Aunt Kourie took it the hardest. Grandma was looking forward to babysitting you while I was at work. Aunt Kourie was just looking forward to coming home from school to see you and teaching you things to make me nuts. Grandpap tried to be strong for Mommy’s sake, but inside he was torn to pieces. Aunt Amy and your cousins were just crushed because they wanted the new baby and wanted to play with you in the worst way. Staci cried and asked why this had to happen to us. Courtney came by almost every day for an update to make sure we were alright. We had an outpouring of support from people I hadn’t talked to in years.

For nine weeks, I help onto hope. I ate like crazy, trying to get your weight up, trying in vain to make you stronger. I started a blog hoping that someone would find comfort in our story. I cried a lot, even though I tried to fight it. I didn’t want you to feel my stress or pain. I wanted you to be as comfortable as possible. I’d hoped that maybe you’d be born alive and that you’d be able to come home with me, at least for a little bit. Maybe it was silly of me, but I was a mother hanging on to what little time I had left with you. Every kick was a true miracle because I knew it was you trying to pull through. You fought so hard, my little one.

When I went into labor, reality set in. There was an excellent chance you weren’t going to make it, a point driven home by every doctor that I’d talked to. I still allowed myself to live in fantasy until I knew for sure what the outcome would be. I told the doctors that there was no need to tell me they were sorry because I thought I’d have you for a while. We had the best doctors and nurses that day. They took amazing care of your Mommy and were incredibly supportive!

Giving birth was the best thing I’ve ever been through. The pain was easy to ignore. All I thought about was making sure you were coming into this world safely. I’d never pushed myself as hard as I did that day. Grandma and Aunt Kourie told me several times they were proud of me. They were by my side the entire time. Staci and Courtney waited outside with their ears to the door, and Aunt Amy came down as soon as she could. Grandpap had to work, but he was there at the end of the day.

You also got your fifteen minutes of fame as well. We had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take pictures of us together so I would never forget your precious face or the feelings I had about that day. In March, Mommy was asked by the Tribune Review to be interviewed for an article about your pictures. I swelled with pride talking about you. You’ve made me so proud just for existing! I’ve raised money for Trisomy 18 and I’m planning more incredible things in your name. Your death will not be in vain.

When I saw your face for the first time, it was like being given the best gift on the planet. Your features were so perfect and you looked exactly like me. Your eyes were a sapphire blue unlike any I’d ever seen. I was the luckiest mother in the world! I got to spend the entire day holding you. A gift I would never replace, and I would give up anything do have just one more minute of that.

Since you’ve gone to be with Jesus, my life hasn’t been the same at all. I’ve become more adult and everyone has seen it. You never spoke a word or shown a gesture, but you single-handedly made me grow up. It wasn’t your responsibility and it wasn’t fair for you that you shouldered that burden. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you’ve done for me. Even though you’re not here with me physically, I feel you in everything I do. I feel your influence when I make decisions for myself. I never do anything without thinking about you first. I miss you every day, with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.

My Sweet Baby, I will never know what you would have become and that’s something I have to deal with. I’m happy you’ll never know pain and you’ve never known sin. You’re safely in Heaven watching over me and our family. I take great comfort in knowing that. Mommy loves you with all her heart. I will see you again one day, and I will have that moment to hold you again. I promise that I’ll hold you for eternity. Until then, I will dream of you.

Love you forever, like you for always,

Mommy

I'm actually doing a lot better!

Recently, I've been blogging about my anger toward God for what has happened to Caleb. What mother honestly wouldn't be? I've spent a lot of time whining and complaining about how terrible my life has been, and not reflecting on the good that has come out of this tragic situation.

I've become increasingly aware of the use of the word "retarded," and I hate it. Sadly enough, it's used too often to describe people that have a lapse in judgment. I let it slide because it doesn't matter how much I yell at and tell people that it's not appropriate to use it, especially in front of a woman that has had a baby that was born with MR. I've not given up on my endeavor to eliminate use of this deplorable word, however, I alone can't be the one to stop one's usage. If everyone reads this blog and tells someone to stop using that saying, we'd be able to make a small difference.

I went camping with my sister and my best friend over Memorial Day weekend. Friday night, after we finished setting up camp, we were sitting around the table and I realized that Staci and I haven't really had the time to talk about Caleb. I've talked with my mother, Kourie, my therapist, people I work with...but not Staci. So I started the conversation, and it wasn't until Kourie and Staci both said, "Lindsey, you gave birth to your angel." It woke me up. I haven't felt my usually depressing moods since. I'm not counting out the fact that they can come back, but I've learned to manage the feelings.

Biggest thing to happen; I fitted my first ringbearer named Caleb and handled it amazingly. I was able to say his name and talk to him without tearing up. I'm so very proud of myself. I wish I could explain the feeling when you realize that you son's name is not a swear word. Simply put, it was liberating to say his name over and over without a feeling of sadness. I'm proud of myself.

So I'm trying to be the eternal optimist. Let's see if it works.

My first Mother's Day

So Sunday was Mother's Day; my first without my precious boy. As I sit here, there is a picture of him sitting beside me and it hurts. I have pictures of him everywhere actually. Constant reminders that I did everything I could to help him make it here safe. Constant reminders of the love that I have in my heart for him. As much as I enjoy looking at all the pictures I have of my little man, they hurt me just as much. I would give absolutely anything to put him in my arms and kiss him again. It wasn't too bad I guess. Mom and Kourie got one of these pictures blown up and added a sepia tone to match a picture of mother/baby giraffes I had purchased the week before. The giraffe poster is more or less a metaphor of how Caleb and I were.

Tuesday was his 5 month birthday. I went to the cemetery and realized how quickly the ground around his burial plot is starting to settle. I used to be able to find him easily, but now it's beginning to blend in with the rest of it. I'm feeling a little uneasy about this. I really dread the day I go there and the grass over him isn't browning so I can easily find him. He still doesn't have a headstone, and it makes me mad that I've waited this long. I know that I have to wait for the ground to dry and settle. Ugh. It'll happen soon Caleb. I promise.

Kourie and I had an interesting conversation the other day. We decided that we're kinda sick of some people's attempt of trying to make us feel better. I've had other mothers that have lost babies and they get it. They understand what I and my family is going through. It's the people that have NO IDEA are trying to make us feel better or possibly blame me for what has happened to him.

For example, before he was born, Kourie was at Dingbat's with a friend just venting about the entire situation. She was upset that the father left, and that we were given this to deal with as well. A woman sitting at the bar overheard the conversation and turned to her. She simply said, "Well, maybe your sister did something to deserve this." She blamed me for having a child out of wedlock and this was God's punishment for being a bad person. A woman that knew absolutely nothing about me, my situation and just decided to throw her 2 cents in. I'm angry with this, but I've forgiven her. Her ignorance isn't going to tie me down and make me want to hate her.

I've heard a million things ranging from, "Everything happens for a reason," to "You're young, you'll have a healthy baby in the future." I appreciate everyone spreading their condolences, but a lot of these things are not helping. I especially hate the "healthy future baby" comment. What you people simply don't understand is that it won't matter how many babies I have in the future, NONE OF THEM WILL BE MY CALEB!!!!!!!!!! I'm truly sorry for showing my emotion here on my blog and my anger for ignorance. This is just my venting. My son was one of a kind. There will never be a replacement for him. There will never be another perfect baby with a double left earlobe, or a dimple in his chin with a perfect button nose. There will never be another perfect child with ankles that cracked when he kicked me or sapphire eyes that opened just a crack so I could see them. I can have boys in the future, but who knows what Caleb could have done. Just please, if you see me in public and you have NO idea what it's like to lose a baby, just tell me you're sorry and move along. I don't want any sympathizing with someone throwing God in my face. I beat myself up enough everyday trying to figure out why it was my son that had to go back to Heaven only 10 months after knowing of him.

Wondering if I'll be happy again...

I've been putting on a brave face for everyone because I feel like I should. My family hurts a lot for me and I don't feel it's fair to keep bringing it up. I've had meltdowns to the point where I sound like a 2 year old and hyperventilating. I am disgusted with myself. I hate the fact the reduce myself to that; I'm an adult. I shouldn't be like this. But I can't stop myself sometimes.

I'm excited to go back to school. I think it's very exciting that I have this opportunity. I just don't know how I'm gonna do. I want to get the A's I know I capable of. I want to prove that I'm worthy of being a teacher, but right now I'm incredibly nervous. I've been out of school technically for 2 years cause I've screwed things up for myself. Now, I'm serious about finishing and I'm hoping that I have the strength to finish and turn this into a positive.

I have so much going on in my life right now, that Caleb should always be in my heart but not the only thing on my mind. It's not like I'm trying to push him out by any means, but I need be able to focus. I hope he is able to accept this and allow me to "move on." Even as I'm typing this, I hate myself for the words that are pouring out of me. I'm sobbing because of the guilt I feel for being so selfish.

I wonder on a daily basis if I'll ever be truly happy like I was whenever I was pregnant with him. I wonder if I'll ever glow or smile like I did before. I smile now, but it feels fake. I laugh, but it's not like I used to. I wonder if in my future someone will be able to understand what I'm going through and be my support when I go through this again. I wish I had an answer for all my questions for the future.

My son should be 4 months old, not 4 months gone. Even though I appear strong, every day I die a little inside when I wake up. Knowing that I'm not hearing him cry to tell me he's hungry, or to change a diaper. Today I was watching the Huggies commercial where the baby boy tinkles all over the bedroom. I unexpectedly cried because I realized I never had the chance to get tinkled on. It's such a stupid reason to be upset, but I couldn't help myself. I can't believe how the little things I'm missing hurt me so much.

Before I go, I wanted to inform everyone that my Grandfather's dog was found by a very nice couple. Daisy was returned safely home. We don't know what happened to her exactly, but at least we have her alive and healthy!!!

Lindsey

Caleb's Great-Grandfather needs your prayers...

Hey everyone,

I would first like to start off with a HAPPY EASTER and 4 month birthday to Caleb!!! It was a sad Easter and not for reasons you all would think.

Listen, I know this has nothing to do with Caleb directly but it has a lot to do with my sanity. My grandfather woke up at 3AM and realized his dog Daisy Sue was missing. Some sick person who knew him and his habits cased the neighborhood and waited for his opportunity to take her. S/he reached over the fence and scooped her right out of the yard. He then put her in his car and disappeared. This is definitely a devastating loss to an older man who has really nothing else to live for. Please pass this along to anyone who can possibly help us. Grandpap won't eat or sleep until his baby is returned.

The neighbor who witnessed this saw a Red pickup truck (no make or model identified; no license plate number due to the position of the truck) with a side steppers on it. This is the only thing we have. If anyone has seen anything a truck fitting this description and a basset hound that looks like the one in the picture above, please contact the North Versailles police! I don't want my Pap dying of a broken heart.

On the other hand, Easter was today and I missed Caleb all day. But he did get an egg and a basket with a bunny in it. I just hope that I have a Caleb-vention and he will protect his great-grandpappy during this. This whole day has been devastating.

Caleb's Legacy Page

After months of being lazy about this, I've finally made Caleb's legacy page on the Trisomy 18 Foundation's website! Here's the link:

http://www.trisomy18.org/site/TR/Events/General?pxfid=5530&fr_id=1070&pg=fund

You can read the story and see a picture!

Lindsey

P.S. I haven't been writing because I've been busy. Please be patient with me!

NILMDTS article in the Trib!!!

HEY!!! I didn't blog about this for whatever reason (had a lot on my mind). I did an interview for an article in my local newspaper about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It turned out amazing and I'm very proud to be a part of it! It ran in Sunday's Tribune Review, and one of my readers left me a link to the website. So if you missed it, you still have a chance to read it!!!

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/cityregion/s_617214.html

Love all of you for your continued support!!!

Lindsey

Fundraiser and such...

So many updates!!! First, we'll start with the fundraiser.

While it was cold and miserable...APhiO held the turkey bowling fundraiser. It was amazing! In six hours on a college campus, we managed to raise $150!!! It may not seem like much money, but it is definitely a major milestone. As far as I know, Caleb has raised over $500 for Trisomy 18 Research.

I'm truly amazed by you Sweet Baby. I may never get the chance to see you off to your first day of Kindergarten, or watch you drive off to your senior prom. Instead, I have the great pleasure of being a simple ambassador and your voice in fighting against this horrible disorder that robbed us of each other. I get to be proud of the fact that there may be one day where this can be prevented or treated because of the awareness that you and I put out there. I promised you from the beginning that your death would not be in vain. I've done my best to make it so. I do not take pride in myself for everything I've done, I give that to you. Caleb Alex, you should be in Heaven celebrating what you've done. My sweet son, words cannot express how truly amazing you are without being on Earth. Know that while I miss you, there is no prouder mother than I. I celebrate you every single day!!!

Now on to other things. I'm doing much better. While I still get emotional over mothers with their babies (I curse myself for choosing to work in a mall...), I think I'm making major steps toward acceptance. I hurt constantly, I know I'll never stop. However, I feel that I'm more able to control my anger and sadness. My therapy sessions are going well, and I've actually stopped attending bi-weekly sessions and now am going every three weeks. I feel good about this. Maybe I'll be able to breathe without feeling that sense of loss with every exhale.

Also, I went to see my IUP advisor today. A huge step, you have no idea... I've accepted my own mistakes from the past and am finally moving on to my future as an educator. I have to repeat a ton of classes, but it's time for me to get serious and act like I want a career. I love my job at the Men's Wearhouse, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to climb the ladder of high-end men's fashion. Dr. K has truly been amazing to me; I really don't deserve a 3rd and 4th chance to prove myself. I'm grateful to return to school. I only have myself to rely on now, and I think I'm finally at a place where I can be a good student. I'm going to make Caleb proud of me.

I haven't been blogging much. Mostly because I'm busy, tired, or don't feel like I can do it without feeling sad. I'm going to be keeping up with this cause I feel like it needs to be done. I still appreciate the loyal readers of this mess of my life. You are all awesome!

Lindsey

Update about the Fundraiser

Ok, here's an update:

Alpha Phi Omega will be hosting a Turkey Bowling fundraiser for Caleb Alex on Wednesday, March 11.

For more info, head to the website http://www.trisomy18.org/goto/TurkeyBowling

I will be there and I talked to a writer for the Tribune Review there. There will hopefully will be a photographer to take pictures of the event!!!

Bring your friends, family, anyone you can to raise some money for a great cause!!!

Lindsey

Trisomy 18 Fundraiser at IUP!!!

Hey everyone!!! I got some news!!!

My fraternity, Alpha Phi Omega is hosting a Trisomy 18 fundraiser at IUP. I would like as many people that can be there to come. It is on March 11, 2009 (don't have a time yet, but I will post it as soon as I know). All of the proceeds collected will be sent to the Trisomy 18 Foundation in Caleb Alex's name!

Local Moms!!! Please let me know if you are interested in going to this fundraiser. Shoot me an email to lmofcansky@gmail.com. I will give you directions to the place. I'm trying to make this as big as possible! Let's get some money to T18!!!

Lindsey

Caleb's 2 month birthday

Happy 2 months Sweet Baby!!! I said it to you hundreds of times on the 12th, and I think it's ok to say it again. I miss you every day and think about you every second. I want you to know that Mommy loves you with breath after breath and she talks about you all the time.

Mommy still cries Caleb. I really try not to get upset and I try to stay strong for you. It's just never going to be easy to be without you. I wake up and do what I would have done if you had stayed with me, but it's amazingly hard to come home to an empty crib and know I won't see you smile with excitement to see me when I come home from work. I try to avoid it, but I can't help but imagine what you would have become. I try to avoid dreaming about you; it's just impossible. You were so real to me before you even had those tiny fingernails you were born with. It's hard to sit around and realize that all I have left of you are pictures. I don't get to hold you or cuddle with you. I don't get to hear you cry or giggle with delight. I don't get a chance to see you play with Boo or anger Simba. I never get to see you in water wings, a snow suit or Halloween costume. These were things we deserved to have together, and I'm sad we will never get those special moments.

Mommy loves you. Please never forget that sweetie...Happy Birthday!

My heart aches a lot today...

The other day, my NILMDTS photos came in. Well, some of them. Shari sent us an amazing slideshow with music that brought me to tears. The rest should be coming in sometime this or next week and they will be posted here.

I've watched this slideshow several times, hoping to gain some kind of closure and that some of my stress would go away. This isn't the case. I'm kinda disappointed about that because work is becoming harder for me. I go, smile and get through my day, but I find it hard to be around babies. Some days are harder than others. On Saturday, I had one of my bad days. There was a baby in the store and it made me just want to hold Caleb so badly. I wanted to kiss his face and feel him against my skin. I actually had to leave the store. I wonder when this will stop. I just want to feel normal again.

I regret thinking and feeling ill toward women who have babies, and worse, I've been feeling angry toward the couples coming in to get married because they will be able to have babies sooner than I will. I don't know if this is just irrational, or if this is something to be expected. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel whole again, like I did when I was pregnant and expecting a healthy baby. I just feel like screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?" Please God, give me that strength to get through my next week. I will have therapy on Monday. I just need to make it through this week.

I hate being angry...

Recently, I've been ok with babies, children, pregnant women. But for some reason, I can't stop feeling angry. I'm so mad that there are people that are feeling the way I did when I first found out I was pregnant.

I've been trying to ignore things and fight the pain I feel almost every day. I smile when I want to punch something or bawl my eyes out. I hate the feelings I have. I just want my baby back. I really thought I could handle this, but it feels like there are people rubbing it in my face. I know this isn't the case, I just have it all in my head. It's just impossible to be happy for someone who's starting their happiest journey while I'm smack in the middle of my worst nightmare.

I was supposed to go to a support group last night, but due to work obligations, I was unable to make it. I was disappointed that I couldn't make it because I don't have counseling again until February. The group doesn't meet again until next month as well. I have to rely on my friends and other mothers to get me through the month. It's going to be the hardest so far. Everyone is so supportive, but the counseling and support groups are going to be what I need to accept this. I'm trying to be strong.

It's snowing like crazy here, and I just keep thinking about how badly I wanted to play with Caleb in the snow. Or let him just once, feel it in his tiny hands. I've been having one of my worse days, and I don't like it at all. Usually when I have a bad day, I head to the cemetery. I couldn't go there today because the roads were so bad. I lashed out on my mother earlier today, and then went to bed. I don't like the fact that is my only way of defeating my sad days. I don't like the fact that I go to sleep to stop the bad feelings. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy...

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one going through this right now!!!

One month old...

So today would have been Caleb's one month birthday. It took a lot to get out of bed this morning only because I didn't want to face the day.

My balloons that sit in Caleb's crib are still inflated. They still sit in there scraping off the walls at specific times and they always comfort me in the fact that my son is protecting me.

I never knew how much losing someone you were so close to would actually hurt until Caleb passed away. I've lost friends and some family members and it hurts when you realize that you will never see them again. It's a crushing blow to the mind and spirit. Losing a baby feels like you're standing on a freeway when a Mack truck hits you. Knowing the diagnosis ahead of time is like you're standing there, watching it as it heads toward you and you can't move your feet like it's a bad dream. Now I just feel like nothing at times. I've found myself staring at walls or crying while watching something that doesn't involve babies at all. I know this is all natural, and the only thing I can say is that I'm thankful that it hasn't happened at work yet. I don't know if I would be able to handle that stuff. I like being the happy person there.

I still visit the cemetery often. It's so cold and painful to be outside, but I do it as much as I can. I know it's only been a month, but I sometimes feel like I'm obsessively checking on my baby. Making sure that there are no sticks on his grave or to see if the ground has finally sealed over him. Luckily, I know this doesn't make me crazy. I find comfort in checking up on him, since I can't do it every day like I wanted and what was supposed to happen.

Here's a little rant moment. Caleb's father hasn't been in the picture since before the diagnosis. He left when I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. Admittedly, I had a hard time mourning the loss of my baby's father. Even though it wasn't a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination, I wanted Caleb to have a daddy. I pushed him to get a better job, help us get a bigger place to live, whatever I could do to make sure Caleb would have everything he ever needed or could want. "Daddy" decided it was too much for him. I moved home with my parents because I couldn't do this baby thing on my own and I knew they would always take care of me. They are great parents to model myself after.

Recently, Caleb's dad has been running into some of my friends from IUP and telling them he's sorry for what he did. He even went as far as telling my best friend that he wanted to "reconcile our relationship so we can raise our daughter together." Let me explain. I originally wanted a girl until I found out the heartbeat was 130 bpm and I just knew I was having a boy. So there are three things in that sentence that are a lie. I will let you figure them out.

The thing that hurts the most about this situation is that he doesn't even know his own son didn't make it because he waited. He never tried to get to me, never tried to get my number. He knows where I live here and he never tried to find me. I truly don't believe that his father deserves to know anything about my amazing little guy. My friends and family back me up on this, but I can't say that I'm not hurt about him waiting until now to tell everyone he wants to fix things. It would never happen for you either. Where were you when he kicked for the first time? Or the time my water got shut off? Or when my mother and I got the diagnosis that literally shook the world I was standing on?

Rant over.

Caleb,
Mommy can't believe it's been a month since you had to go be with Jesus. While I'm grasping some kind of understanding as to why this happened, I will never stop hurting for you. I'm sorry, but there will never be a day when I can be ok with what happened to you. You were my everything from the time you were conceived, and I had the best time being your Mommy. I would not change a single thing about the time we had together. You made me so happy, made me feel like I could do anything. Without even trying, you gave me the strength to do things for myself. I knew we would have been the best duo ever!
I know you did everything you could to try and meet me. I will never think you didn't try hard enough because you pushed for two full weeks past your due date to try and meet me. There is no parent in this world who could possibly be prouder of a baby. I swell every time someone mentions your name. I brag about you every chance I get. I can say I knew pride, but the amount I feel when someone talks about you is indescribable. I feel like I'm about to pop and I smile from ear-to-ear. You can be sure that I would have done this regardless of what happened, but for some reason I swell more because of what has happened. You are one baby to be celebrated, not mourned. The only thing that is separating us now is time, my sweet baby. Time that seems like it'll be forever, but I'm sure we'll see each other again before we know it.

I love you,
Mommy

Footprints...

Before I talk about my amazing new body work, I must talk about the fact that I started counseling on Tuesday. Even though it was a lot of paper work and background information (mostly because I've never done this before), it helped out a lot. She suggested that I seek out a pastor to talk about my issues with God (yes, I'm still having those issues too). I chose not to try anti-depressants or anxiety medication yet. I want to just talk out my problems, and my therapist agreed that I was on the right track to recovery. I think I'm gonna like her a lot, and I feel safe talking to her just like I should.

Now to the tattoo...There's a picture posted, but I'm gonna talk about my experience. Usually, tattoos hurt like crazy and while I love getting them, I don't like the needle thing. All of my tats are on my back so I don't have to see the needle. It's not a big deal if I can't see it happen. My sister and I got the same thing. I got his footprints life-sized while Kourie got them scaled down on her wrist. Mine has more detailed because of the size. Kourie's are more basic. I was really proud because I didn't flinch, but as my sis said, "You've given birth. This should be cake for you." Truly it was. This was the next most exciting thing ever (only second to having Caleb)!!!

Time to start the healing...

So after my horrible day on Sunday, my sister finally told me that I had to do something before I drove myself crazy. I decided I wanted to go back to work instead of waiting the 6 weeks because I'm losing my mind just sitting around. Well, I need a clearance from my doctor's office before I can just jump back into the world of high-end mens' fashions. I have that appointment this morning.

I did sort of have a breakdown when it came to school and everything. I have a number of reasons to not return to IUP, but I know I will because I don't want to screw up more than I already did. Anyway, if I can buckle under that much stress, I need counseling. Kourie said it, Mom has told me to call the counselor several times. I just needed something like Sunday to realize that while I have my strengths, I need that extra push to get myself through the loss of Caleb. This person has never met me, doesn't know my history...I'm hoping she's going to take this whole story and help me make sense of it. Before I actually go insane. I believe that this can happen, but I refuse to believe that I have any sort of postpartum depression. I can't believe that I'm already going crazy.

I'm honestly done smiling and pretending I'm ok for everyone's sake (including my own). I'm going to allow myself to be a "wuss".

As some of you may know...

Yeah, yesterday wasn't my best day either. I spent the entire day crying. I'm under a lot of stress to return to school in the fall. I would like to stay here in my hometown and continue, while I know the most intelligent thing is to return to IUP to finish my Deaf Education degree. I like my job and I would like to be able to do both. I'm just confused right now.

But among all the confusion is the amount of pain I'm in. If Caleb would have been here, I would be so eager to go back to school to give him a reason to be proud. With him gone, I for some reason believe that I don't want to return until I'm good and ready. I know that's not smart either, because I will never return if I don't do it now. Caleb was going to be my reason to finish school, but now I have to become sort of selfish and concentrate on getting a degree. I'm not ready to return to that frame of mind yet. I had my head set on being a Mommy until I could afford to go back to school. Now I kinda have to do it by myself, with only myself to do it for. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm just ranting.

I'm going to be calling a counselor today because I waited long enough to get the help I so desperately need. I thought I was strong enough to get through all this without any outside help, but I can't do it anymore. Maybe this counselor can help me make the right decision.