Monday, January 26, 2009

My heart aches a lot today...

The other day, my NILMDTS photos came in. Well, some of them. Shari sent us an amazing slideshow with music that brought me to tears. The rest should be coming in sometime this or next week and they will be posted here.

I've watched this slideshow several times, hoping to gain some kind of closure and that some of my stress would go away. This isn't the case. I'm kinda disappointed about that because work is becoming harder for me. I go, smile and get through my day, but I find it hard to be around babies. Some days are harder than others. On Saturday, I had one of my bad days. There was a baby in the store and it made me just want to hold Caleb so badly. I wanted to kiss his face and feel him against my skin. I actually had to leave the store. I wonder when this will stop. I just want to feel normal again.

I regret thinking and feeling ill toward women who have babies, and worse, I've been feeling angry toward the couples coming in to get married because they will be able to have babies sooner than I will. I don't know if this is just irrational, or if this is something to be expected. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel whole again, like I did when I was pregnant and expecting a healthy baby. I just feel like screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?" Please God, give me that strength to get through my next week. I will have therapy on Monday. I just need to make it through this week.

3 comments:

Nicole said...

Praying for you...

Lacey J said...

Dear Lindsey,
I've emailed you and called you but I still don't get to communicate with you often enough. You really need a support system and so do I. I was able to finally go back this week to see my baby at the cemetary and that was rough but I felt a sense of relief. I understand about getting new pics, that is bitter/sweet because you are happy to see more new pics and yet sad that all we are left with are pics, I completely understand. Get back to me girl!! email me: mybabyvinny@gmail.com or call me 7072275635 please!!!!!! Love ya

Jamie said...

From one Pittsburgh Mama to another... my thoughts are with you. Your story touched me and I will never forget about your or your son.