Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day.

So this is what Father's Day is like without Caleb. Not as rough as Mother's Day, but considering I would have been still hurts. I'm doing better as far as physically and mentally hurting, the emotional problems are still there. I've noticed there are still moments where I feel empty inside and feel like my life is missing something huge. It's a weird feeling.

With Caleb being stillborn, sometimes it feels like what I did was all a dream or not real. That's a weirder feeling. It was like I gave birth to a baby doll. It's a hard concept to explain, but that's how I feel. I just wish I had seen him breathe once, blink an eye...something to give me that idea that he was real. I felt him kick and punch me, but it's definitely not the same as seeing him alive.

Today I wonder about Caleb's father. I don't care what he's doing or who he's with, but I wonder if he's celebrating Father's Day for the child he never knew. I wonder if he thinks he's entitled to knowing Caleb or deserving of at least a card. For those who don't know, Caleb's father left me when I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. To this day, he still has no idea what happened. What's worse, he doesn't know that he had a son. Part of me is angry, the other part makes me feel sorry for the asshole (first swear word in the blog!!!). Let me rephrase, I don't feel bad for the fact that I never told him what happened; he doesn't deserve to know. However, I feel sorry for the fact that he's too lazy or too scared to even contact me. He probably believes I'd be coming after him for child support.

I wonder if there will be a day in the future when we pass each other in public and he'll finally ask me about our child. Would I have the strength to tell him to leave us alone? Would I tell him what happened to Caleb so that I can finally cut all ties with him? Would I just keep him in dark? There are a million scenarios that run through my head constantly. I know for a fact that he's trying to crack the mystery of the child he left behind. People have told me about their encounters with him in the months since. And I thank all of those people who have had the strength to tell him they know nothing, or have just simply ignored his requests. I know that my best friend has had moments where she wanted to tell him what happened so that he'd leave her alone. I don't blame her. There's no need for her to deal with the constant harassment.

I still don't know to this day what I would do in the event I see Caleb's father again. I believe that my Caleb (and only MY Caleb) would give me the answers if that were to ever happen. He's keeping an eye on me and he knows my struggles. He'll be there with me if and when that contact happens. Until then, I celebrate Father's Day knowing that my son loves me as his Mommy and Daddy.

To the fathers that have been there for their child, and this includes my magnificent father; have a great day! Thank you for kissing our boo-boos and making sure we had a shoulder to cry on when we needed it. Thank you for hugging us on a daily basis, and doing the silly things (intentional or otherwise) to keep us laughing over the years.

To my own father: Thank you for being the strength I needed before and after Caleb's diagnosis. You were the only man in my life at the time, and you were the best I could ask for. I don't know what I would have done without you during my times of tears. Even when I came close to a breakdown, you stood there with me. And I want to thank you for the memories of watching you hold my son. That is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Pictures aren't enough to describe the way you spoke to him or the way your face lit up the first time you saw him. I love you Daddy with all my heart!

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