Monday, January 12, 2009

One month old...

So today would have been Caleb's one month birthday. It took a lot to get out of bed this morning only because I didn't want to face the day.

My balloons that sit in Caleb's crib are still inflated. They still sit in there scraping off the walls at specific times and they always comfort me in the fact that my son is protecting me.

I never knew how much losing someone you were so close to would actually hurt until Caleb passed away. I've lost friends and some family members and it hurts when you realize that you will never see them again. It's a crushing blow to the mind and spirit. Losing a baby feels like you're standing on a freeway when a Mack truck hits you. Knowing the diagnosis ahead of time is like you're standing there, watching it as it heads toward you and you can't move your feet like it's a bad dream. Now I just feel like nothing at times. I've found myself staring at walls or crying while watching something that doesn't involve babies at all. I know this is all natural, and the only thing I can say is that I'm thankful that it hasn't happened at work yet. I don't know if I would be able to handle that stuff. I like being the happy person there.

I still visit the cemetery often. It's so cold and painful to be outside, but I do it as much as I can. I know it's only been a month, but I sometimes feel like I'm obsessively checking on my baby. Making sure that there are no sticks on his grave or to see if the ground has finally sealed over him. Luckily, I know this doesn't make me crazy. I find comfort in checking up on him, since I can't do it every day like I wanted and what was supposed to happen.

Here's a little rant moment. Caleb's father hasn't been in the picture since before the diagnosis. He left when I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. Admittedly, I had a hard time mourning the loss of my baby's father. Even though it wasn't a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination, I wanted Caleb to have a daddy. I pushed him to get a better job, help us get a bigger place to live, whatever I could do to make sure Caleb would have everything he ever needed or could want. "Daddy" decided it was too much for him. I moved home with my parents because I couldn't do this baby thing on my own and I knew they would always take care of me. They are great parents to model myself after.

Recently, Caleb's dad has been running into some of my friends from IUP and telling them he's sorry for what he did. He even went as far as telling my best friend that he wanted to "reconcile our relationship so we can raise our daughter together." Let me explain. I originally wanted a girl until I found out the heartbeat was 130 bpm and I just knew I was having a boy. So there are three things in that sentence that are a lie. I will let you figure them out.

The thing that hurts the most about this situation is that he doesn't even know his own son didn't make it because he waited. He never tried to get to me, never tried to get my number. He knows where I live here and he never tried to find me. I truly don't believe that his father deserves to know anything about my amazing little guy. My friends and family back me up on this, but I can't say that I'm not hurt about him waiting until now to tell everyone he wants to fix things. It would never happen for you either. Where were you when he kicked for the first time? Or the time my water got shut off? Or when my mother and I got the diagnosis that literally shook the world I was standing on?

Rant over.

Mommy can't believe it's been a month since you had to go be with Jesus. While I'm grasping some kind of understanding as to why this happened, I will never stop hurting for you. I'm sorry, but there will never be a day when I can be ok with what happened to you. You were my everything from the time you were conceived, and I had the best time being your Mommy. I would not change a single thing about the time we had together. You made me so happy, made me feel like I could do anything. Without even trying, you gave me the strength to do things for myself. I knew we would have been the best duo ever!
I know you did everything you could to try and meet me. I will never think you didn't try hard enough because you pushed for two full weeks past your due date to try and meet me. There is no parent in this world who could possibly be prouder of a baby. I swell every time someone mentions your name. I brag about you every chance I get. I can say I knew pride, but the amount I feel when someone talks about you is indescribable. I feel like I'm about to pop and I smile from ear-to-ear. You can be sure that I would have done this regardless of what happened, but for some reason I swell more because of what has happened. You are one baby to be celebrated, not mourned. The only thing that is separating us now is time, my sweet baby. Time that seems like it'll be forever, but I'm sure we'll see each other again before we know it.

I love you,


Nicole said...

Beautiful post. Still praying for peace to surround you and get you through each day. Happy 1 Month birthday Mr. Caleb!

my3sons said...

Still praying for you! Happy 1 month Birthday Caleb!