Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I hate being angry...

Recently, I've been ok with babies, children, pregnant women. But for some reason, I can't stop feeling angry. I'm so mad that there are people that are feeling the way I did when I first found out I was pregnant.

I've been trying to ignore things and fight the pain I feel almost every day. I smile when I want to punch something or bawl my eyes out. I hate the feelings I have. I just want my baby back. I really thought I could handle this, but it feels like there are people rubbing it in my face. I know this isn't the case, I just have it all in my head. It's just impossible to be happy for someone who's starting their happiest journey while I'm smack in the middle of my worst nightmare.

I was supposed to go to a support group last night, but due to work obligations, I was unable to make it. I was disappointed that I couldn't make it because I don't have counseling again until February. The group doesn't meet again until next month as well. I have to rely on my friends and other mothers to get me through the month. It's going to be the hardest so far. Everyone is so supportive, but the counseling and support groups are going to be what I need to accept this. I'm trying to be strong.

It's snowing like crazy here, and I just keep thinking about how badly I wanted to play with Caleb in the snow. Or let him just once, feel it in his tiny hands. I've been having one of my worse days, and I don't like it at all. Usually when I have a bad day, I head to the cemetery. I couldn't go there today because the roads were so bad. I lashed out on my mother earlier today, and then went to bed. I don't like the fact that is my only way of defeating my sad days. I don't like the fact that I go to sleep to stop the bad feelings. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy...

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one going through this right now!!!


Suzie said...

Oh honey, you are not alone... I remember feeling that way. It is a step in the greiving process. It is a difficult step but one none the less. Just know that you are going to be ok. No matter how horrible you might feel right now. Caleb is now and always will be by your side. I am praying for you dear. And know that your support system is only a few clicks away.

Cooper's Momma

Sara said...

You are not alone. I have found so many who are going through this very same journey as you. We lost our son Samuel at the end of October and it has been the hardest time of my life. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. No two journeys are a like and many would like you to be further along than you may be. Be gentle with yourself. I will be praying for you today... I have had the same feelings many days. I just keep going to the Lord and praying for his peace to flood my soul. Feel free to email if you need to talk. Praying for you!