Sunday, April 19, 2009

Wondering if I'll be happy again...

I've been putting on a brave face for everyone because I feel like I should. My family hurts a lot for me and I don't feel it's fair to keep bringing it up. I've had meltdowns to the point where I sound like a 2 year old and hyperventilating. I am disgusted with myself. I hate the fact the reduce myself to that; I'm an adult. I shouldn't be like this. But I can't stop myself sometimes.

I'm excited to go back to school. I think it's very exciting that I have this opportunity. I just don't know how I'm gonna do. I want to get the A's I know I capable of. I want to prove that I'm worthy of being a teacher, but right now I'm incredibly nervous. I've been out of school technically for 2 years cause I've screwed things up for myself. Now, I'm serious about finishing and I'm hoping that I have the strength to finish and turn this into a positive.

I have so much going on in my life right now, that Caleb should always be in my heart but not the only thing on my mind. It's not like I'm trying to push him out by any means, but I need be able to focus. I hope he is able to accept this and allow me to "move on." Even as I'm typing this, I hate myself for the words that are pouring out of me. I'm sobbing because of the guilt I feel for being so selfish.

I wonder on a daily basis if I'll ever be truly happy like I was whenever I was pregnant with him. I wonder if I'll ever glow or smile like I did before. I smile now, but it feels fake. I laugh, but it's not like I used to. I wonder if in my future someone will be able to understand what I'm going through and be my support when I go through this again. I wish I had an answer for all my questions for the future.

My son should be 4 months old, not 4 months gone. Even though I appear strong, every day I die a little inside when I wake up. Knowing that I'm not hearing him cry to tell me he's hungry, or to change a diaper. Today I was watching the Huggies commercial where the baby boy tinkles all over the bedroom. I unexpectedly cried because I realized I never had the chance to get tinkled on. It's such a stupid reason to be upset, but I couldn't help myself. I can't believe how the little things I'm missing hurt me so much.

Before I go, I wanted to inform everyone that my Grandfather's dog was found by a very nice couple. Daisy was returned safely home. We don't know what happened to her exactly, but at least we have her alive and healthy!!!

Lindsey

5 comments:

Lacey J said...

Lindsey,
Let me tell you that I Have been feeling very very similar to you. I will have a good run of a few days or maybe even a week and then like yesterday just one tiny thing set off a full blown anxiety issue and just had to tell myself...I'll fall apart when I'm home, I'll fall apart when I'm home, not here and eventually it worked but I don't about you but sometimes it feels like the more things I do to 'try' to be normal (work full time, date, exercise, etc.) the more I seem to wack out sometimes and just crash thinking what a horrible person I am, I haven't thought about Vincenzo as often as I had been. BUT for me and as well as for you, IT HAS NOT BEEN THAT LONG!!!!!! Remember that and give yourself the credit and space you need to feel what you need to feel and rest when able to, and take good care of yourself. Love ya,
Lacey

Bridget Anne said...

Lindsey,

First and foremost, I'm glad to hear that your grandfather's dog was found.

Secondly, I look up to you. You're so unbelievably strong, and it's okay to not have such great days.

I know we were never really friends, and we've only met through Andrew those couple of times, but I think about you every day. Caleb's watching over you, and I'm sure he'd be extremely proud of you. I'm sure you have such a wonderful support system, but if you ever need anything, I am home in Latrobe.

Take Care,
Bridget

Lori Beth said...

Hi Lindsey,

First let me start by saying how much we miss all of you!!! We love you so much and you are always on our minds.

Secondly, don't feel guilty about "moving on". Caleb is already proud of his mommy. Remember you have been very strong and brave from day one! Also, he is watching over you right now and wants to see you be successful. Don't forget you were planning on doing this for him when he was to be on earth here with you, so do it for him now while he has a front row seat up in heaven. He will always be in your heart and for that he is always close to you. You will have days that are harder than others, and no one would expect anything different. Because you are "moving on" doesn't mean you are forgetting him and he knows that.

And you will be happy again. You are a very strong young woman! And remember it hasn't been that long, you have to give yourself the time to grieve and go through every step of the healing process, and that includes your ability to try and "move on" without feeling guilty.

Love you and miss you bunches! Hugs and Kisses!

Lori Beth

momofdom said...

Lindsey,

I ended up at your blog accidently, but I read a good portion of it. I wanted to give you my condolences about the loss of your beautiful son Caleb. I cannot imagine the pain you feel each day, but I hope that you know Caleb loves you very much and is with you. I believe when you go back to school and become a teacher, you will be blessed with good fortune because of a beautiful angel watching over you.
Hugs.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I just found your blog and have been reading it for the last hour.. I am praying for you.

I am still new to the land of blog, but so loving reading others stories. Everyone has a story and so many of them are so touching....
Hope you will stop by for a visit.