My heart aches a lot today...

The other day, my NILMDTS photos came in. Well, some of them. Shari sent us an amazing slideshow with music that brought me to tears. The rest should be coming in sometime this or next week and they will be posted here.

I've watched this slideshow several times, hoping to gain some kind of closure and that some of my stress would go away. This isn't the case. I'm kinda disappointed about that because work is becoming harder for me. I go, smile and get through my day, but I find it hard to be around babies. Some days are harder than others. On Saturday, I had one of my bad days. There was a baby in the store and it made me just want to hold Caleb so badly. I wanted to kiss his face and feel him against my skin. I actually had to leave the store. I wonder when this will stop. I just want to feel normal again.

I regret thinking and feeling ill toward women who have babies, and worse, I've been feeling angry toward the couples coming in to get married because they will be able to have babies sooner than I will. I don't know if this is just irrational, or if this is something to be expected. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel whole again, like I did when I was pregnant and expecting a healthy baby. I just feel like screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?" Please God, give me that strength to get through my next week. I will have therapy on Monday. I just need to make it through this week.

I hate being angry...

Recently, I've been ok with babies, children, pregnant women. But for some reason, I can't stop feeling angry. I'm so mad that there are people that are feeling the way I did when I first found out I was pregnant.

I've been trying to ignore things and fight the pain I feel almost every day. I smile when I want to punch something or bawl my eyes out. I hate the feelings I have. I just want my baby back. I really thought I could handle this, but it feels like there are people rubbing it in my face. I know this isn't the case, I just have it all in my head. It's just impossible to be happy for someone who's starting their happiest journey while I'm smack in the middle of my worst nightmare.

I was supposed to go to a support group last night, but due to work obligations, I was unable to make it. I was disappointed that I couldn't make it because I don't have counseling again until February. The group doesn't meet again until next month as well. I have to rely on my friends and other mothers to get me through the month. It's going to be the hardest so far. Everyone is so supportive, but the counseling and support groups are going to be what I need to accept this. I'm trying to be strong.

It's snowing like crazy here, and I just keep thinking about how badly I wanted to play with Caleb in the snow. Or let him just once, feel it in his tiny hands. I've been having one of my worse days, and I don't like it at all. Usually when I have a bad day, I head to the cemetery. I couldn't go there today because the roads were so bad. I lashed out on my mother earlier today, and then went to bed. I don't like the fact that is my only way of defeating my sad days. I don't like the fact that I go to sleep to stop the bad feelings. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy...

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one going through this right now!!!

One month old...

So today would have been Caleb's one month birthday. It took a lot to get out of bed this morning only because I didn't want to face the day.

My balloons that sit in Caleb's crib are still inflated. They still sit in there scraping off the walls at specific times and they always comfort me in the fact that my son is protecting me.

I never knew how much losing someone you were so close to would actually hurt until Caleb passed away. I've lost friends and some family members and it hurts when you realize that you will never see them again. It's a crushing blow to the mind and spirit. Losing a baby feels like you're standing on a freeway when a Mack truck hits you. Knowing the diagnosis ahead of time is like you're standing there, watching it as it heads toward you and you can't move your feet like it's a bad dream. Now I just feel like nothing at times. I've found myself staring at walls or crying while watching something that doesn't involve babies at all. I know this is all natural, and the only thing I can say is that I'm thankful that it hasn't happened at work yet. I don't know if I would be able to handle that stuff. I like being the happy person there.

I still visit the cemetery often. It's so cold and painful to be outside, but I do it as much as I can. I know it's only been a month, but I sometimes feel like I'm obsessively checking on my baby. Making sure that there are no sticks on his grave or to see if the ground has finally sealed over him. Luckily, I know this doesn't make me crazy. I find comfort in checking up on him, since I can't do it every day like I wanted and what was supposed to happen.

Here's a little rant moment. Caleb's father hasn't been in the picture since before the diagnosis. He left when I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. Admittedly, I had a hard time mourning the loss of my baby's father. Even though it wasn't a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination, I wanted Caleb to have a daddy. I pushed him to get a better job, help us get a bigger place to live, whatever I could do to make sure Caleb would have everything he ever needed or could want. "Daddy" decided it was too much for him. I moved home with my parents because I couldn't do this baby thing on my own and I knew they would always take care of me. They are great parents to model myself after.

Recently, Caleb's dad has been running into some of my friends from IUP and telling them he's sorry for what he did. He even went as far as telling my best friend that he wanted to "reconcile our relationship so we can raise our daughter together." Let me explain. I originally wanted a girl until I found out the heartbeat was 130 bpm and I just knew I was having a boy. So there are three things in that sentence that are a lie. I will let you figure them out.

The thing that hurts the most about this situation is that he doesn't even know his own son didn't make it because he waited. He never tried to get to me, never tried to get my number. He knows where I live here and he never tried to find me. I truly don't believe that his father deserves to know anything about my amazing little guy. My friends and family back me up on this, but I can't say that I'm not hurt about him waiting until now to tell everyone he wants to fix things. It would never happen for you either. Where were you when he kicked for the first time? Or the time my water got shut off? Or when my mother and I got the diagnosis that literally shook the world I was standing on?

Rant over.

Caleb,
Mommy can't believe it's been a month since you had to go be with Jesus. While I'm grasping some kind of understanding as to why this happened, I will never stop hurting for you. I'm sorry, but there will never be a day when I can be ok with what happened to you. You were my everything from the time you were conceived, and I had the best time being your Mommy. I would not change a single thing about the time we had together. You made me so happy, made me feel like I could do anything. Without even trying, you gave me the strength to do things for myself. I knew we would have been the best duo ever!
I know you did everything you could to try and meet me. I will never think you didn't try hard enough because you pushed for two full weeks past your due date to try and meet me. There is no parent in this world who could possibly be prouder of a baby. I swell every time someone mentions your name. I brag about you every chance I get. I can say I knew pride, but the amount I feel when someone talks about you is indescribable. I feel like I'm about to pop and I smile from ear-to-ear. You can be sure that I would have done this regardless of what happened, but for some reason I swell more because of what has happened. You are one baby to be celebrated, not mourned. The only thing that is separating us now is time, my sweet baby. Time that seems like it'll be forever, but I'm sure we'll see each other again before we know it.

I love you,
Mommy

Footprints...

Before I talk about my amazing new body work, I must talk about the fact that I started counseling on Tuesday. Even though it was a lot of paper work and background information (mostly because I've never done this before), it helped out a lot. She suggested that I seek out a pastor to talk about my issues with God (yes, I'm still having those issues too). I chose not to try anti-depressants or anxiety medication yet. I want to just talk out my problems, and my therapist agreed that I was on the right track to recovery. I think I'm gonna like her a lot, and I feel safe talking to her just like I should.

Now to the tattoo...There's a picture posted, but I'm gonna talk about my experience. Usually, tattoos hurt like crazy and while I love getting them, I don't like the needle thing. All of my tats are on my back so I don't have to see the needle. It's not a big deal if I can't see it happen. My sister and I got the same thing. I got his footprints life-sized while Kourie got them scaled down on her wrist. Mine has more detailed because of the size. Kourie's are more basic. I was really proud because I didn't flinch, but as my sis said, "You've given birth. This should be cake for you." Truly it was. This was the next most exciting thing ever (only second to having Caleb)!!!

Time to start the healing...

So after my horrible day on Sunday, my sister finally told me that I had to do something before I drove myself crazy. I decided I wanted to go back to work instead of waiting the 6 weeks because I'm losing my mind just sitting around. Well, I need a clearance from my doctor's office before I can just jump back into the world of high-end mens' fashions. I have that appointment this morning.

I did sort of have a breakdown when it came to school and everything. I have a number of reasons to not return to IUP, but I know I will because I don't want to screw up more than I already did. Anyway, if I can buckle under that much stress, I need counseling. Kourie said it, Mom has told me to call the counselor several times. I just needed something like Sunday to realize that while I have my strengths, I need that extra push to get myself through the loss of Caleb. This person has never met me, doesn't know my history...I'm hoping she's going to take this whole story and help me make sense of it. Before I actually go insane. I believe that this can happen, but I refuse to believe that I have any sort of postpartum depression. I can't believe that I'm already going crazy.

I'm honestly done smiling and pretending I'm ok for everyone's sake (including my own). I'm going to allow myself to be a "wuss".

As some of you may know...

Yeah, yesterday wasn't my best day either. I spent the entire day crying. I'm under a lot of stress to return to school in the fall. I would like to stay here in my hometown and continue, while I know the most intelligent thing is to return to IUP to finish my Deaf Education degree. I like my job and I would like to be able to do both. I'm just confused right now.

But among all the confusion is the amount of pain I'm in. If Caleb would have been here, I would be so eager to go back to school to give him a reason to be proud. With him gone, I for some reason believe that I don't want to return until I'm good and ready. I know that's not smart either, because I will never return if I don't do it now. Caleb was going to be my reason to finish school, but now I have to become sort of selfish and concentrate on getting a degree. I'm not ready to return to that frame of mind yet. I had my head set on being a Mommy until I could afford to go back to school. Now I kinda have to do it by myself, with only myself to do it for. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm just ranting.

I'm going to be calling a counselor today because I waited long enough to get the help I so desperately need. I thought I was strong enough to get through all this without any outside help, but I can't do it anymore. Maybe this counselor can help me make the right decision.