I know no one means anything by bringing their babies to the mall and into the Men's Warehouse, but it's becoming harder for me to deal. With my due date fast approaching (28 days), I find it harder and harder to fight back the tears. I worry about Caleb every day and I wonder if I will ever have the chances with him that other mothers have with their babies.
I hope so, but I'm also trying to be realistic. I know that Trisomy 18 isn't viable with life. I know Caleb's chances aren't good. This is heartbreaking and difficult for me to accept. I've been showing a strong face and for the most part, I'm dealing with it. I still find myself taking a deep breath when I see a baby, and it takes every ounce of my energy not to run away when I see one.
Yesterday was Halloween. I worked and the mall had Trick-or-Treating for the kids. There were so many children, but I was able to deal with that because they were happy to see me and adorable in their costumes. Seeing them smile kinda made me forget about my situation for a couple of hours, something I've been needing lately.
Today was an isolated baby and no one was available to take care of the customer. I had no choice. The baby the couple had with them was smiling at me and doing cute things that kinda made it hard for me to forget that Caleb won't be a typical baby. He will have difficulties if he comes home, and I have to prepare for that. After the couple left, I took a deep breath and I was better.
Don't get me wrong. If Caleb comes home with me, I will enjoy every single second I have with him and will cherish every first that he does have. It's just hard to see everyone else with those "perfect" babies without me wondering why I couldn't be her. I know I must sound like a terrible person.
I am lucky and I know this. It will just take time for me to realize and actually see it with my own eyes.
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