Recently, I've been upset with the fact that the "whens" in Caleb's life have now turned to "ifs." I had so much planned for my son and now it's all been ripped from me. For example, it was always "When he comes home..." and now it has become "If he comes home..."
There is nothing left except to say that I'm angry beyond belief. There should never be a question like this in my head or in any mother's head. My son deserves a future. He deserves to have a life and I was going to be the best provider that he would have ever had. I don't understand why I was tapped for this. I'm the impatient kind, and this situation doesn't change my personality. I want the answers as to why this happened NOW. I can't stand the fact that I have to wait to find out the reason behind this. Why this had to happen, why it happened to me after everything he and I have been through.
I try to keep my head up and stay positive for his sake. He still has a full month of growing to do and I won't be the reason he decides to leave early. I want to see him open his eyes and I want to feel him grab my finger. At least once. The problem I'm having is that I still have breakdowns, I wake up at night and freak out because I think that he's gone. The worst of it was when I was laying in bed with my hand on my stomach and I felt his heel kick me in the hand. I just started to cry cause I never felt anything so incredible in all my life. I often wonder if that's the only time I'll feel him kick, if I'll never feel him kick me outside of my body.
I wonder if he'll make it to Christmas, New Years, etc. The worst is that Halloween is coming up and I know there will be babies dressed up and I wonder if he'll be able to do that. I wonder if he'll surprise us all and prove us all wrong. Who knows? Only God, and I'm still trying to get over my anger with him.
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