Thursday, October 23, 2008

Magee Update

Hey everyone,

Yesterday, my mother and I went to Magee again. This time it was my turn to talk to doctors and discuss what my options were for my son. This was a trying day.

First, we had an ultrasound to look at his current status. I just can't help but look at the screen and think that he is still the most perfect baby I've ever seen. I know it's not possible to change the outcome, but I so wish that the doctors were wrong. I know they aren't. His little hands are definitely clenched and I could see them right on the screen.

Next, we were meeting with the obstetrics team cause they will be the one's delivering Caleb when the time comes. I met with 2 of the possible 20 doctors and they answered a lot of my questions, including the ones I felt were stupid. They gave me options for my delivery, and I had to make decisions. The first one I've made was not to have Caleb's heart monitored during labor. The doctor's told me that I will not be in a good place on the day and they fear that I will stress out too much if Caleb were to ever come into stress. Next, it was decided that I will not be having a C-section because it could pose a significant threat to me and it would not benefit the baby at all. Then, I decided that if he were to be born to alive (there's a significant chance he will be stillborn), there will be nothing heroic done to save him. I'm too afraid that his ribs will be broken if they pump his chest and in the end, it won't really save him.

Finally, we met with the Neonatologist. She was the best of all the doctors I met yesterday. One of the first things she did was ask if we had a name for him. When we told her, she continued to refer to him by his name, not as "the baby" or "it" or "him." The whole experience with her made me feel like I could trust her with my son. She also gave us options of taking him home or having him transferred to another local hospital so I can visit him. I made the decision to bring him home so that he can die in my arms as opposed to dying in a plastic box a few miles away from Mommy. I want him to feel comfortable before he goes.

Well, that was my Magee experinence from yesterday. And let me be the first to say that I was relieved. The first one was not a positive experience, so I was glad to have this day. I cried all day, but I know that this is something I have to deal with.

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