Sunday, April 19, 2009

Wondering if I'll be happy again...

I've been putting on a brave face for everyone because I feel like I should. My family hurts a lot for me and I don't feel it's fair to keep bringing it up. I've had meltdowns to the point where I sound like a 2 year old and hyperventilating. I am disgusted with myself. I hate the fact the reduce myself to that; I'm an adult. I shouldn't be like this. But I can't stop myself sometimes.

I'm excited to go back to school. I think it's very exciting that I have this opportunity. I just don't know how I'm gonna do. I want to get the A's I know I capable of. I want to prove that I'm worthy of being a teacher, but right now I'm incredibly nervous. I've been out of school technically for 2 years cause I've screwed things up for myself. Now, I'm serious about finishing and I'm hoping that I have the strength to finish and turn this into a positive.

I have so much going on in my life right now, that Caleb should always be in my heart but not the only thing on my mind. It's not like I'm trying to push him out by any means, but I need be able to focus. I hope he is able to accept this and allow me to "move on." Even as I'm typing this, I hate myself for the words that are pouring out of me. I'm sobbing because of the guilt I feel for being so selfish.

I wonder on a daily basis if I'll ever be truly happy like I was whenever I was pregnant with him. I wonder if I'll ever glow or smile like I did before. I smile now, but it feels fake. I laugh, but it's not like I used to. I wonder if in my future someone will be able to understand what I'm going through and be my support when I go through this again. I wish I had an answer for all my questions for the future.

My son should be 4 months old, not 4 months gone. Even though I appear strong, every day I die a little inside when I wake up. Knowing that I'm not hearing him cry to tell me he's hungry, or to change a diaper. Today I was watching the Huggies commercial where the baby boy tinkles all over the bedroom. I unexpectedly cried because I realized I never had the chance to get tinkled on. It's such a stupid reason to be upset, but I couldn't help myself. I can't believe how the little things I'm missing hurt me so much.

Before I go, I wanted to inform everyone that my Grandfather's dog was found by a very nice couple. Daisy was returned safely home. We don't know what happened to her exactly, but at least we have her alive and healthy!!!


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Caleb's Great-Grandfather needs your prayers...

Hey everyone,

I would first like to start off with a HAPPY EASTER and 4 month birthday to Caleb!!! It was a sad Easter and not for reasons you all would think.

Listen, I know this has nothing to do with Caleb directly but it has a lot to do with my sanity. My grandfather woke up at 3AM and realized his dog Daisy Sue was missing. Some sick person who knew him and his habits cased the neighborhood and waited for his opportunity to take her. S/he reached over the fence and scooped her right out of the yard. He then put her in his car and disappeared. This is definitely a devastating loss to an older man who has really nothing else to live for. Please pass this along to anyone who can possibly help us. Grandpap won't eat or sleep until his baby is returned.

The neighbor who witnessed this saw a Red pickup truck (no make or model identified; no license plate number due to the position of the truck) with a side steppers on it. This is the only thing we have. If anyone has seen anything a truck fitting this description and a basset hound that looks like the one in the picture above, please contact the North Versailles police! I don't want my Pap dying of a broken heart.

On the other hand, Easter was today and I missed Caleb all day. But he did get an egg and a basket with a bunny in it. I just hope that I have a Caleb-vention and he will protect his great-grandpappy during this. This whole day has been devastating.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Caleb's Legacy Page

After months of being lazy about this, I've finally made Caleb's legacy page on the Trisomy 18 Foundation's website! Here's the link:

You can read the story and see a picture!


P.S. I haven't been writing because I've been busy. Please be patient with me!