Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm having a bad baby day...

So I'm on Facebook and recently it's been wearing on me. I've been so strong and push through my days as best as I can. But now, I'm watching people have babies and seeing their joy of bringing their child home. I don't know why this is bothering me as much as it is, and this is making me angry!

I think part of it is my hatred at myself for not being stronger. I'm a bigger person and I should be happier for these people. I can't bring myself to realize that this will one day be me. I hate myself for thinking that I want another baby now because I've been fighting to get through that initial feeling when I first lost Caleb. My son would not be proud of my weakness at this point. He didn't want this for me.

I know it's a short blog, but I just needed to blow off some steam.

I'll just keep telling myself what the ignorant people have told me: "God has a plan and one day you'll have a healthy baby too..."


Totally Desperate Mom said...

Came across your blog from Mr. Google. Your son was beautiful. So sweet. Grief looks different for everyone, but the pain will get better with time, but your longing for him will never completely go away. No matter how many healthy babies you have. I've got three and they will never replace "Faith" who had Trisomy 13. May God bless you on your journey.

Kristen said...

Hi! You also don't know me, I came across your blog from another one I occasionally read...but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss...your son was absolutely beautiful and his life matters imensely! I had a miscarriage just 10 days heart is broken over that sweet little baby I will not meet on this side of heaven...and of course, doctors just say, thinking they are offering you consolation "the baby most likely had a chromosome abnormality" I wouldn't have wanted a baby that wasn't healthy. Your precious boy is a beautiful reminder to me of how much I wanted the baby I just lost, healthy or not...longing for the day I will meet these precious little ones in heaven. I will keep you in my prayers!!

kanishk said...

simply great post
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