Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm actually doing a lot better!

Recently, I've been blogging about my anger toward God for what has happened to Caleb. What mother honestly wouldn't be? I've spent a lot of time whining and complaining about how terrible my life has been, and not reflecting on the good that has come out of this tragic situation.

I've become increasingly aware of the use of the word "retarded," and I hate it. Sadly enough, it's used too often to describe people that have a lapse in judgment. I let it slide because it doesn't matter how much I yell at and tell people that it's not appropriate to use it, especially in front of a woman that has had a baby that was born with MR. I've not given up on my endeavor to eliminate use of this deplorable word, however, I alone can't be the one to stop one's usage. If everyone reads this blog and tells someone to stop using that saying, we'd be able to make a small difference.

I went camping with my sister and my best friend over Memorial Day weekend. Friday night, after we finished setting up camp, we were sitting around the table and I realized that Staci and I haven't really had the time to talk about Caleb. I've talked with my mother, Kourie, my therapist, people I work with...but not Staci. So I started the conversation, and it wasn't until Kourie and Staci both said, "Lindsey, you gave birth to your angel." It woke me up. I haven't felt my usually depressing moods since. I'm not counting out the fact that they can come back, but I've learned to manage the feelings.

Biggest thing to happen; I fitted my first ringbearer named Caleb and handled it amazingly. I was able to say his name and talk to him without tearing up. I'm so very proud of myself. I wish I could explain the feeling when you realize that you son's name is not a swear word. Simply put, it was liberating to say his name over and over without a feeling of sadness. I'm proud of myself.

So I'm trying to be the eternal optimist. Let's see if it works.

1 comment:

Cathy said...

I just wanted to stop by to say your sweet Caleb is beautiful. Some people thing boys should be handsome and he is but when they are God's perfection, they are simply beautiful. I like you hate the word retarded. Annabel has full t18 (she 4 yrs. now) and I realize she has delays but she is just not retarded. God has given her a time table that is not the same as what we call the norm. But she does reach her goals and communicates through her eyes and her smiles. I am sorry for your anger but I know God understands and when He brings Annabel home, I know I too will be angry. Thank you for your honesty and you are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing his story and his amazing pictures.